Conflicted
by PrinRue
Summary: Astrid knew who she was; then, Berk's resident screw-up came along and changed everything. Now, he's an unconscious hero, and despite everything she ever believed telling her not to, she pays him a visit. And never before has she felt so lost. Movie one, post Red Death battle. Early Hiccstrid angst. Reflection.


**This story comes as a request from my friend Disneyanimationfan, as another part to my reigning fic "How to Become a Friend". However, unlike the rest of that tale (And its lost chapter "Disappointment") this story is not told through Toothless' POV. It instead focuses on Astrid and how she's dealing with everything that's happened. And boy, is our girl having some conflicted feelings. **

**Enjoy!**

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Astrid Hofferson was _not _soft. She was _not _touchy-feely. She was _not _open about her feelings.

She was tough. She was fearless. She was a _real_ Viking warrior. And she certainly didn't go around being unsure of herself. That was how she'd gotten to be who she was. Not by skipping through life with her heart on her sleeve, but by containing her feelings and dealing with whatever the gods threw at her.

All of this- and more- was why when she found herself at the door of the Haddock House for the fifth day in a row, she was beginning to really question her sanity.

It had been a few days since their return from the battle at the dragons' Nest, and despite every voice screaming in her head not to, Astrid had visited the chief's house each of those days. Stoick always let her in, albeit a bit confused at the odd behavior, but Astrid never strayed from the kitchen area of his house while she was there. She'd just accept the chief's offer of water, ask a couple questions on how Hiccup was doing, and leave. She hadn't actually been upstairs since the day they first returned, when she'd brought Toothless to his new home and talked to him for a bit. Hiccup wasn't even there when that had happened.

But… _five days? _Astrid really was out of her mind. Never, _never _before had she checked up on someone five days in a row. Even when her own cousin was sick, she'd only ever asked about him once until he got better. So why in Midgard was she _here_ for the fifth time?

Yet despite all these thoughts, the teen still found herself knocking on the Haddock's door.

As always, it opened within a few moments, but instead of Stoick standing there, it was Gobber. "Oh, 'ello lass. The chief is out at the moment, but if yeh have a message for 'im, I'd be happy to get it back to 'im."

"What? Oh, I'm sorry, I-I didn't mean to bother you-" Astrid stepped back, embarrassed. "Um, there's nothing wrong. I was just…" What was she supposed to say? That she was just checking up on a boy she hadn't given a thought to until a week ago? "...bored." _Good one, Astrid. Very convincing. _

The chief's right hand man gave her a suspicious look, which did nothing to help the girl's confidence. What was wrong with her? This wasn't Astrid. Astrid didn't get flustered. She didn't trip over what to say. And she definitely didn't stare up at adults with big, uncertain eyes and an unconvincing smile.

Gobber clearly saw this (and appeared to be thinking it too) but he refrained from saying anything. "Well, I was just 'bout to head out myself. I was only there to… well, you know. But… yer welcome teh step inside. Stoick told me yeh've been stoppin' by lately."

He had? Great, if he'd told Gobber, who knew who else he'd mentioned her visits to? Now everyone would know how un-Astrid she'd been lately… But that was something she could deal with later. Because even with all those thoughts, she couldn't deny how much she wanted to take the man's offer. "Um… alright. I guess I could… hang around until the chief returns," she answered, trying to sound as nonchalant as possible. Before she could see the blacksmith's reaction, she slipped inside the building, relieved to hear him leave a moment later.

But as soon as the door closed, she froze. _She was_ _alone in the chief's house. _Well, not _alone, _of course. She could clearly hear the sound of a Night Fury snoring in the room across from her. And, well… Hiccup was also there. But it wasn't like Hiccup could talk to her or anything, and Toothless was still a dragon who, despite his clear understanding of the humans, had no way of conversing with her. So, it might as well have been just Astrid in that building.

And she hated how unnerved that idea made her feel.

In an attempt to shake off the feeling, the teen stepped into the kitchen area, looking over the various utensils and dishes strewn about. Clearly, the chief wasn't overly concerned with keeping up with household chores at the moment. She got herself a cup of water (in an attempt to prove to herself that she was still bold and didn't need to be offered, even when it was her chief's property), and settled at the table. But even as she sat there, sipping her day old water, she couldn't help but let her eyes drift to the main sitting room, where Hiccup's bed had been situated when he got home.

_Maybe… _

Before she could stop herself, Astrid was on her feet and making her way into the other room. At the sound of her approaching footsteps, the snoozing dragon curled around Hiccup's bed awoke, letting out a protective snarl before he realized who was there. Then, his eyes immediately turned softer, and he simply laid his head back down, albeit keeping one eye open. Toothless trusted this human and knew she wasn't there to hurt his friend, but he wanted to keep an eye on her anyway.

Still only half aware of what she was doing, Astrid pulled up a chair by the fireplace, facing her peer's bed.

Toothless rumbled up at her curiously. Great, even the _dragon _was suspicious of her behavior.

"It's fine, Toothless. You don't have to worry about me."

The Night Fury just gave her a look that said _"yeah, I don't believe that, but whatever", _and turned his head away.

Astrid sighed, tapping a boot on the floor. She attempted to force her eyes to stay forward, but no matter how hard she tried, they kept being drawn to the boy. What was happening? She felt angry, and disappointed, and lonely, and… longing? No. That wasn't possible. Astrid looked out for herself, and herself alone. Yet she couldn't help but notice a sense of yearning as she finally allowed herself a glance.

Hiccup was eerily still, the only sign of life being the shallow rise and fall of his chest. And even though Astrid had seen dead people before, there was something even more… unsettling about how Hiccup was alive, but not quite _alive. _

"Hiccup?" She heard herself asking, though she knew there'd be no answer. However, at the sound of her voice, the boy's dragon once again turned his attention toward her, watching with cool, calm eyes. Astrid shook her head; if she was in this deep, she might as well keep going. It's not like Hiccup could hear anything, and Toothless' lack of ability to speak Norse made it hard for him to tell on her.

"You're a muttonhead."

_Great start, Astrid. _

"Do you realize how… _stupid_ you have to be to fly into fire like that with a half-tailed dragon?" Toothless looked up with a low growl at that, but Astrid barely even noticed. "Or…how brave?"

Now that was a strange thought. Hiccup, _brave? _Astrid, not to mention the whole village, had always believed Hiccup to be weak. And he was, at least in a physical sense. But now, she saw that he certainly wasn't weak in his willpower. To have the courage to battle an enemy thousands of times your size… that's more than even most _Vikings _would do.

"I'm sorry, Hiccup. For never doing anything. I saw how the others treated you, and I just… watched. Participated, even." Astrid blinked, allowing herself another look. "You just… you have no idea how… infuriating this is!" The girl got up, needing to pace to keep from outright losing her mind. "I mean, I always knew you. How could I not? You're the heir to the chiefdom, for Thor's sake! But you just always seemed like this… this… disappointment or something. That's what everyone said, and so, of course, I believed them. But then you kidnapped me and took me on this crazy flight on a creature I'd believed to be my mortal enemy and now-!" she stopped, quieting. "Now I don't know what to think anymore." Astrid turned back toward Hiccup. "What am I supposed to think, Hiccup? I knew who I was. A Viking Shieldmaiden; fierce, ruthless, strong… But then you came along and made me lose sight of everything. My head is so muddled up with all these thoughts and feelings that I've just about lost myself. I'm angry, no, _furious _at you. You've thrown a sword in _everything _I thought I knew. But… at the same time… I- I don't want to lose you." Finally, Astrid's resolve broke, and she dropped back into her seat by his bed, letting her eyes scan her… friend? Peer? What was Hiccup to her? She'd kissed him at the Cove, but surely it meant nothing; just a moment of weakness brought on by adrenaline.

Acquaintance. Yes, that seemed appropriate.

Her acquaintance just looked so… lifeless. And even though she knew it was his own doing, she couldn't help but feel somewhat responsible for where he was now.

Maybe if everyone had just given him a chance, he wouldn't have shot Toothless down. And if he hadn't shot Toothless down, he wouldn't have flown into that battle. And if hadn't flown into that battle, he wouldn't be here, indefinitely unconscious and down a limb.

But she also knew that wasn't possible. The village never would have given him a chance. His fate was decided at birth, when he came too early, too weak. Of course it didn't help that he'd grown up to be, well, _him, _but despite all this wishful thinking, Astrid knew nothing could have prevented this.

And maybe… maybe it was for the best.

Because despite all her torn feelings and confused thoughts, Astrid was grateful to have learned the truth about him. Without it, she never would have discovered how wrong she was… how wrong they all were.

"You scared me, Hiccup. The great Fearless Astrid Hofferson." She sighed. "When I watched you and Toothless fall into that explosion… I thought I'd watched you die. And that… _terrified _me. When your dad ran to where the two of you crashed, I thought he was running to two bodies. And I didn't know what to do, or how to think." Her eyes finally flitted to the left, where Hiccup's blanket lay flat, instead of being displaced like on the other side. "I didn't know what had happened. When the chief yelled for help, and I ran forward, Gobber sent me away. But after I brought Toothless here and you were home and everyone had a chance to breathe and catch their thoughts, he told me. About how they think Toothless… saved you. And you know what? I was devastated. You hear me? _Devastated. _I can't remember the last time I felt like that, but somehow, _you _got that out of me. But then, I just remembered back how I'd felt when I thought you were dead, and it didn't seem nearly as bad of an outcome." She shook her head. "Why is this all happening, Hiccup? Why can't I think straight? Why do I want to hate you, but at the same time, want to be close to you? Why am I so… so _conflicted?"_

But the boy could give Astrid no response.

The girl let out an emotionless laugh, putting a hand to her head. "Gods, I'm such a lunatic. Talking to you like you're listening. Like any of what I'm saying matters. But it… It felt good to say." Astrid stood, noting how dim the daylight had gotten. "I should go. Your dad'll be back soon…" She gave the Night Fury one more look before turning away.

But she couldn't get her feet to move.

Then, without thinking, she turned back and placed a very brief kiss on the sleeping boy's cheek, before running out the door.

And though Toothless could never be sure, he thought he saw, just for a moment, the smallest change in Hiccup's expression.

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**Oh you poor, poor girl. Unable to understand your budding feelings for Berk's resident fishbone... **

**I really tried to get the chaotic thinking of Astrid conveyed, enough to make even the reader question things. I hope it all came through!**

**Till next story!**


End file.
